Okay, so this post will not be interesting to anybody...so don't bother reading it.
The only reason I'm writing it down is to keep myself honest. It is purely for self-motivating purposes.
I just got finished taping pictures cut out of the Chadwick's catalog all over the kitchen. I have cut the faces off.
If you are still reading this, you must be thinking at this point "What kind of sadistic person is this?"
I got the catalog two days ago and started looking. However, flipping through made me realize that wearing any single item in the catalog is a pipe dream in my current stage of personal body health.
Six years ago, the week before I found out I was pregnant with Noah, I achieved my lifetime member status at Weight Watchers.
Without any in between information, which would be purely derogatory anyway, I am now quite a bit above what I was when I started that Weight Watchers journey the first time. I tried over the years but with just lack a serious amount if will power.
Watching Biggest Loser has become a struggle because of my constant bottoming out (literally) of self image and I do believe this has led me down a path of self destruction including taking the kids down with me. My current size of jeans is bursting and I REFUSE to break out the "fat jeans" I guess I would rather suffer from stomach aches every day. How stupid is that?
My sister has also struggled, yet I've watched her become physically active and running in numerous races and attaining her fitness goals. She has become what I wish I could be. I have resorted to excuses (what do I do with the kids, I can't afford going anywhere, I just don't feel like jumping on the mini trampoline for an hour) and I am beginning to feel like it is a battle that can't be won.
Then the Chadwick's catalog came.
Now, I have to face reality that shorts weather is coming. I couldn't possibly wear a single thing in that catalog without looking like a bloated whale. I don't want to feel this way anymore.
I thought maybe I could buy a new pass to Weight Watchers with our tax refund but what am I supposed to do with the kids? When Aaron and Noah were little, I got kicked out of a meeting because the kids were making too much noise and I never went back.
So after a lot of time on the computer last night looking up different options, I got out the booklet from so many years ago and I am going to try it again. I really won't be able to do it all at once. I will start with the calories and go from there. Hopefully, I will add the physical in as I go...back to jumping on the stupid trampoline since we will never be able to afford going to a gym and it is just too darn cold to go outside.
I really thought I could wait a while longer. I thought that we would have one more bundle of joy and then I would worry about it. It doesn't seem to be in the cards and I no longer want to use this as an excuse.
I know I can do it. I've done it before. I just want to feel good about myself again. I want to stop feeling so bad that I take my frustration out on my kids. I want to stop feeling like a blimp every time we get together with Steve's family (I think the combined jeans size of the other three sisters-in-law adds up to mine). I want to feel pretty. I want my husband to look at me and see the person that he sees on the inside.
And best yet, the day I attain my goal...I WILL buy those items from the Chadwick's catalog!